


After Hours

by XanaduHoneydew



Category: British Actor RPF, Stephen Merchant - Fandom
Genre: BBC, F/M, Party, Smut, Stephen Merchant - Freeform, long gangly sex, sexually explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-04-21 08:13:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4821764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XanaduHoneydew/pseuds/XanaduHoneydew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are a fan of the comedian Stephen Merchant, and you get lucky enough to be his plus one at a party. Then there's a blackout, and the two of you are all alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Girl Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction. I'm a fan of the comedian Stephen Merchant, and obviously have a sexual attraction towards him. I've seen fanfictions about him and you/me/the reader, but none of them really live up to my expectations, or are just plain freaky. So I've made one that I think has a better feel to the atmosphere, as well as a little backstory, instead of going straight to the sex.
> 
> Well, without further ado, here's my smutty fanfic of everyone's favorite leggy blonde Englishman.

Chapter 1 - Little Girl Ghost

Blackout. It had been dark for nearly an hour now, and you didn’t know when the lights were supposed to come back on. It didn’t matter much, because there was an arsenal of candles in case this ever happened. And it could have happened any night at all, but that night in particular, out of three-hundred and sixty-five, you were lucky enough to be in a dimly lit room with Stephen Merchant.

You couldn’t remember whose mansion it was, only that you were invited to this party because you had a friend who worked at the BBC who did you the favor of bringing you to the set of _After Hours_ , a TV remake of the 1985 film. You arrived early, before filming even started and everything was being set up. You first met Ricky Gervais and immediately started cracking a bunch of jokes so you could hear his silly laugh, which he did, many times. Even Karl Pilkington was smiling a little.

But the one person you’d hoped to see that day was the one who didn’t seem to be there. And your eyes had scanned the room; it wasn’t that difficult to find a man who was 6’7. Although you were grateful to be there and to have met a legend like Ricky Gervais and the man with the most deadpan sense of humor called Karl Pilkington, you couldn’t help but feel disappointed and frustrated. It was when you felt you were going to cry a little when you decided to make a trip to the restroom to wash your face and cool your emotions.

You went down a hall and made a left, a right, took a wrong turn ( _man the BBC is huge_ ), went back the way you came, and finally got a bit lost. You sunk down to the floor and buried your face in your knees, trying not to cry. You must have been there for at least a minute before you heard footsteps, and the sound stopped almost in front of you.

“You’re not a little girl ghost, are you? Those are the worst.”

Without missing a beat, you looked up to see if that voice belonged to who you’d been waiting for. Even without a face, you’d heard that voice and registered it in your memory bank after playing hours of _Portal 2_. Even before you saw his face, you knew it was Stephen Merchant because when you opened your eyes, all you saw were a pair of long, thin legs. You had to cock your neck all the way back to see the face of the giant. Your heart started to beat with intensity, and all you could do was smile at him. He was better in real life than he was in every picture or video you’d seen – even watching him just stand there was a better sight than the Lip Sync Battle dance in the leather chaps. You’d watched that video for a laugh, but instead found yourself with a crush on the lanky man with large eyes.

Stephen offered you his hand and you took it, hoping to god your palms weren’t sweaty. You stood up, and even then he still towered over you. You never really were aware of how tall 6’7 is. You didn’t explain to Stephen why you were on the floor in distress, but you did tell him that you’d been on the set and were trying to find your way back. You made a joke about how every show from the BBC that was no longer in production really hadn’t been cancelled, they’d all just gone missing in the building and couldn’t be found. Stephen laughed and you were delighted, even though you’d stolen the joke from Jeremy Clarkson in the Peel P50 episode of _Top Gear_. You sure missed that show. You missed it even more than _Hello Ladies_ , which was what you talked about as you walked back to the set.

“You can’t still be having an unsuccessful dating life. Don’t you know how many fangirls you have? I bet you were lying when you said that you only met IT guys on the stand-up tour.”

“Well, yeah, I did meet some women, but you wouldn’t believe how many nutters there are out there.”

You could believe it. You looked at a few Smerch forums in sexual frustration and sometimes cringed at how crazed some of the fans were. You knew firsthand that the saying about women not being horny was just a myth. Of course, you weren’t going to tell Stephen that you enjoyed reading smutty fan fiction. That was your little secret.

“Well, maybe the sane ones were too shy,” you said. “That’s the problem, too many shy people these days.”

“Are you shy?” Stephen asked with a toothy grin. He probably expected you to blush or laugh nervously, but you just smiled and said into his eyes: “No. Never have been.”

You made it back to the set, and when Ricky saw the two of you, he said, “This has to be the first time I see Steve leave the room and come back with a woman.” He raised his coffee mug before taking a drink. “Brilliant, mate.”

You didn’t know how to respond to that, so you just raised your eyebrows and laughed.

“Anyway, she’s hilarious, this one. Did she tell you her joke?”

“No, she didn’t, actually.” Now Stephen smiled at you with high expectations.

“Which one in particular are you talking about, Ricky?” You asked.

“The one about the bionic penis.”

Now Steve really did look interested, and sat down so he could fully face you. It wasn’t every day you heard dick jokes come out of a small girl. You were that dreaded average height of 5’4.

“Go on, tell him,” Ricky said, trying not to laugh.

“Okay,” you began, fully confident. “So I just heard about this Scottish guy who got a bionic penis. And the first thing I thought of were hackers, because there have already been cases of pacemakers getting hacked. So can you imagine getting a computer virus in your dick? Getting spam mail in there, exclusively Viagra and Cialis?” Already Ricky was giggling and Steve was a little too. “Or think about this – he can’t afford something state-of-the-art, he gets one with Windows 97 as the OS, and when he’s about to have sex a hologram of Clippy pops up – _it seems like you’re trying to get an erection. Would you like some help?_ ”

You made Stephen Merchant laugh, and you heard it, but it was masked by Ricky’s uninhibited cackle. It felt like a real triumph, making two comedians laugh. Of course, Ricky laughed at everything. Before you’d gone to the bathroom, you’d watched him corpsing through seven takes of a scene that wasn’t even supposed to be funny, but the situation was just so ironic.

You spent the rest of the afternoon there, watching the production and Stephen play the main character, Paul Hackett, in absolute awe. You’d always been interested in film since you were a teenager, and now you were watching it behind the scenes. Whenever Stephen wasn’t in a shoot, you kept close by to him, quiet most of the time, since you didn’t want to interrupt anything. But at one point he suddenly whispered to you, “Doesn’t Karl’s head look like an orange?”

You silently chuckled. You absolutely loved Karl, not for the same reasons you loved Steve, but because he was just so entertaining in _An Idiot Abroad_.

“Weren’t you once called an upright lizard on shock therapy?” You said, smiling. Now you regretted saying that, because you didn’t want him to think you saw him that way. “You don’t look like one by the way, not at all, that’s not what I meant, you’re actually really hand—”

Then Ricky corpsed again and his laughter cut off your sentence. But by the look on Steve’s face, you could tell he knew exactly what you were going to call him. Just a few hours with him and you’d already let Stephen Merchant know you thought he was handsome. And he was, not in the traditional sense, but there was something about him that made you melt. You stared into his blue-green eyes as he smiled, and then he winked at you, and turned his face back at the set. You couldn’t decide where to look, you were just unable to get that wink out of your mind. You already felt a little like a child around him. He was almost 41 and you’d just turned 20. With that and the height difference, you didn’t know if you had a chance in hell. But confidence was key, and like you’d said, you’ve never been shy. After all, you’d just told him a joke about a bionic dick. Surely flirting was no problem. So, at the next break, you decided to finish your sentence properly. Your heart was pounding in your chest as you walked up to him.

“Handsome.”

“Hm?” He turned to look at you.

“I was saying that you don’t look like an electrocuted lizard. Or an elongated Cheshire Cat. And I bet that when you dance you don’t look like a giant albatross hopping on stilts. I … I think, in truth, that you’re very handsome.”

At this point your heart was beating so fast and hard that your breasts were actually bouncing a little. The last time this happened was when you told a friend you had a crush on him. You prayed to the Virgin, to the saints, to the name of all that is holy that Steve Merchant didn’t notice your bouncing boobies, because you’d worn a tight shirt to show off your generousness to him. You just didn’t know that this would happen to you.

Steve smiled at you; you were red in the face. You ordinarily didn’t blush, but this wasn’t an ordinary situation. This was you flirting with Stephen Merchant.

“Thank you dear, you’re quite pretty, I must say. Very pretty. Definitely the prettiest little girl ghost I’ve ever seen in these halls.”

You laughed, and now you were the one to wink at him. You regained composure, and asked him something you’d always wanted to ask a man.

“May I buy you a drink?”

He seemed to like this offer, and looked around, probably to make sure nobody (or somebody) was listening. Then he said, “That’s very sweet of you, but I bet I have a better offer. I’m going to a party tonight, and I’ve got no one to take with me. Would you like to join me?”

You almost couldn’t believe what you were hearing. You said yes of course, with a grin two sizes too big. At the end of the day, before leaving, you told Steve you wanted to go home and change your clothes first. You wrote down your number and address for him, and he said he’d pick you up at 8. You couldn’t believe it. Stephen Merchant invited you to a party.


	2. King of Awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stephen Merchant has just invited you to a party. What will you wear and who will you meet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to begin this by saying that I've added elements of who I am to the girl character. So, I'm 5'4 and I have always been a tomboy and socially awkward, and that went into the Reader character. I'm sorry if this doesn't apply to you, but I guess you can just ignore that. I didn't make any descriptions to eye color, hair color, or hair length, though.
> 
> Enjoy the party with Steve!

Chapter 2 - King of Awkward

At home, your flatmates listened to your story as you got ready. Neither of them found the leggy man attractive, but they were excited about the night that lay ahead of you. One of them found the prospect of shagging him really awkward, but the other one encouraged you, and even threw your best bombshell bra at you when you walked out of the bathroom from having a shower.

You took a look at your closet. You didn’t like dresses, so it was mostly jeans and shirts, but you had an emergency dress reserved for first dates. This would be the dress’s debut. It was dark green, with pockets in the skirt and three large brass buttons going down the chest. You wore this with a striped black-and-white shirt underneath, and boy did you look cute.

“Just one thing missing,” the encouraging flatmate said. She handed you a pair of black-and-white heels. They matched the shirt and would’ve worked perfectly with the outfit, but you hated high heels more than you hated dresses.

“The man is 6’7, at least with these you’ll only be a foot shorter.”

“What, so I can’t give him a blowjob standing up?” You joked.

Your dissuasive flatmate groaned a loud “Noooooo” from the other room. You laughed and put on the heels. Already you knew it was a bad idea. The last time you’d worn heels was on your high school graduation, and before that you’d never spent more than five minutes in a pair. You knew where you were going, you knew your feet would get sore and tired after 20 minutes at the party. Then you’d have to carry them around and walk in your bare feet.

“I really don’t know about this, I was just gonna wear my combat boots.”

“But he’s so tall! And combat boots? You’re not going to war or a punk concert.”

“I am going to battle!” You exclaimed. “A battle for Steve’s hot bod!”

“Enoooooough,” your other flatmate groaned.

Right then, you heard the doorbell ring and you panicked.

“He’s here! Ah, fuck it!” You stepped out of the heels and grabbed your boots and socks and got the hell out of there. When you opened the door, you realized that Steve was a few inches taller, so you couldn’t see his eyes. You laughed, and he turned his head down. “Hello!” He said with a grin.

“Hi, Steve.” You stepped out of the house, and he offered you his arm.

“Shall we?” You held onto his arm as he walked you to his car, wondering if the people walking by knew who he was. You were surprised at how many people there were in England who didn’t know him.

You got in the car and he got in after you. When you saw how far back his seat was pulled so he could fit, you quickly pulled yours back so you wouldn’t have to be far away from him. When he sat down, he saw your bare feet and the socks in your hands.

“Sorry I’m not entirely ready,” you said. “My flatmates were distracting me.” Then you added, “You like my feet?”

“They’re cute, and really small. What size are you, 6?”

“Four.” Stephen’s shoes were size 15. Now you really did feel tiny.

“Man alive!”

“Yeah, I know, I’m small everywhere, except in one area – aahhh, nothing!” You realized that you’d referenced your breasts, which were DD’s, and contributed to how skinny you were. Steve laughed and said “Hmm, indeed.”

You didn’t say another word about it and continued lacing up the boots.

On the drive to the party, you told Stephen about your life and the movies you liked, the music you enjoyed. You asked him to tell you a little of his teenage years, so you could picture a lanky boy with acne and a bowtie. He really had come out well through puberty. He had the chiseled features of a man and he carried himself like one too, which made you start to believe that the Stephen you saw in interviews, the Stephen who displayed low confidence was a lie. Nobody with low confidence would go onstage and dance in leather chaps. Stephen had sex appeal, and he knew it.

Puberty had hit you hard, with hairs, spots, and smells no one else seemed to be getting. But you crawled out through the other side sparkly and clean. You were still only becoming a woman though, and you looked the same as you had when you were fifteen. You were a lifelong tomboy and had gone through school as one of the guys, making your dating life really unsuccessful. Stephen couldn’t believe this, but you had proof – there were pictures of those awkward days on your phone. You took it from one of the pockets in your dress and showed him one of the photos, taken five years ago. You were caught in a traffic jam, so it was safe for him to look.

“What do you think of that?”

“Even in the guise of a boy, she is lovely.” He was quoting Lorenzo in _The Merchant of Venice_. This pleased you to no end, and you smiled for the rest of the drive. And that included the traffic jam.

The party was at someone’s millionaire estate. You never bothered to ask whose house it was or who was the host, but that didn’t matter to you. All you wanted was to be with Stephen, and see who else might be there. You walked in through the front doors with him, you in your green dress and army boots, and he like a tower dressed in a dark blue shirt, a black blazer, skinny black trousers, and blue Converse. You still held on his arm and looked at everything like a kid in a candy store – you couldn’t believe you were at a party in a fancy house with Steve Merchant.

“Ready to meet some people?” And meet people you did! Ricky of course was there, and he once again made you retell the bionic dick joke to Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, something you never imagined would happen. There were a few more people you recognized, like Dawn French and Ed Byrne, who you’d seen on _The Graham Norton Show_ but didn’t know them well enough to actually say something. You had your picture taken with Katherine Tate, and shortly afterwards, met David Tennant, your favorite Doctor who you also had a crush on, and made sure to get many pictures with him. But your feelings for Steve were stronger, and that night you were all his.

The blackout came at around midnight, and with no electrical lights or music, many of the guests took this as their cue to leave. Others had gone to bed in the rooms upstairs. A fair amount of people had gathered outside by the pool, and everyone there was drunk, especially Russell Brand, who tossed flashlights into the pool and then jumped onto an inflatable mattress. Noel Fielding followed thereafter, and they began a game of push-and-pull on the mattress to create waves. You laughed at every moment of this, and even more when people began to jump in the water. The look on Richard Ayoade’s face when he fell in was priceless.

You watched all this with Stephen from inside the house, on a couch, with the only source of light being the candles on the little coffee table. You stopped laughing to look at him, and finally noticed he’s shaved his stubbly beard. Looking at that clean face in the glow of the candlelight made you want to kiss it then and there, but even with the beard you would’ve wanted a kiss anyway. He was just perfect either way. He too stopped watching the scene outside and looked at you, his arm around the couch, nearly touching you. You were probably imagining things, but his eyes looked electric, like St. Elmo’s fire. One jolt of them could send you into oblivion.

“Stephen…” he was listening. “You really are more than handsome, you … I have never seen anyone who looks like you. Stephen, you’re beautiful.”

At that moment you were overcome with an emotion you didn’t expect to feel. Giddy embarrassment. Like a schoolgirl in a Japanese uniform, hoping senpai would notice her. You instantly became worried of getting rejected, just like so many of your past crushed had done to you in junior high. Without knowing what to do, you got up and started to walk away. But a long arm grabbed your little one, and Stephen pulled you back.

“Where are you going?” He was smiling that signature Stephen Merchant smile, and you knew it was going to be a game of cat and mouse. He sat you back down, and put his arm around you. His big hand cupped your shoulder, and this felt nice, but you weren’t ready for how coy you’d suddenly become.

“I don’t know, I guess I just felt a little embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed? Why would you be?”

You bit your lip and smiled; looked away. He brought your gaze back to him with a hand on your cheek, gentle and warm fingers touching your skin.

“You were lying when you said you weren’t shy.”

You flashed him a look, accepting his challenge. “I was afraid you’d reject me, not because of my height or my age, but because I’m just not that lucky. Being here is some of the best luck I’ve had. But being rejected was just always my thing. I’ve only had one boyfriend and we were together a long time, but shortly after I moved to England he … he cheated and…” you took a deep breath, and laughed nervously. “I’m really socially awkward, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh, well that’s alright, because you’re talking to the king of awkward, luv. I’m the man who called a toddler a cunt.”

You laughed, and the tension dissipated. With his hand still on your face, stroking your cheek with the ball of his thumb, he looked deep into your eyes and said the one thing you wanted to hear.

“You’re beautiful, luv.”


	3. Urge and Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, your lustrous dream finally comes true. Go get 'im, girl!

Chapter 3 - Urge and Desire

“You’re beautiful, luv.”

Those had been his words. If this wasn’t a perfect moment, you didn’t know what was. The only thing that made it better was when he put his other hand on your face and leaned in. All this time you’d been fighting the urge, the desire to kiss him, all because what you wanted even more than that was for him to kiss you first.

Stephen’s lips glided softly with yours and you shut your eyes, leaned into the kiss to have more of him. A soft moan escaped your lips when his hands moved down to your waist, and you shivered with anticipation.

“Is it alright if I touch you like this?” he whispered, both your eyes still shut and your faces no more than an inch away from each other.

“Oh, it’s more than alright,” and you took his face in your hands and kissed him again, pushing him back on the couch, nearly lying on top of him. Your tongue found its way into his mouth, which was pleasantly cool from his drink. His arms went up to your back and he held you against him, not wanting to let you go.

Sounds of laughter coming from outside finally interrupted the kiss and you peeked to see if you were being watched. No one was looking. They were all having fun in the pool, but still, anyone could come in through the glass doors. What you wanted required privacy.

“There are bedrooms upstairs,” Stephen said, as if he were reading your mind.

“Bedrooms,” you repeated. “Yes, yes, that’s a great idea.”

Without much effort, he lifted himself off the couch and grabbed your hand. Leading the way, he ran down the hall and up the stairs. You giggled when you saw he could do three steps at a time.

“I don’t think I’ve seen someone so eager to get a girl in bed,” you whispered to yourself. “Wait for me, Steve! One of us isn’t so leggy.”

He turned around and pulled you up to the top step as if you weighed nothing. Then he ran his hands up your thighs and said, “I for one think you have some hot legs.”

With no time to react to how good it felt when he touched you, Steve once again took your hand and ran down the hall, past many closed doors until you reached a room that was open and empty. Steve shut the door, then looked at you with that toothy smile you loved. You almost didn’t know what to do. You hadn’t had sex in a year.

“I haven’t had sex in a year. And this is my first time with an adult.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was nineteen last time. We both were. This is my first time as an adult.”

“Somehow I still can’t believe you want it to be with me.”

“Well, I like you a lot,” you said, smiling, and moving backwards towards the bed. “You’re funny, sexy, and you’ve been nothing but nice to me. Why wouldn’t anyone want you?”

You sat down on the bed and watched him, still standing near the door.

“Come here. Help me get my dress off.”

With that, Stephen charged at the bed, removing his blazer and untucking his shirt in the process. Now he was the one who was on top, what a wish come true. He kissed you hungrily, with no force but a great amount of lust. You bit his lip and this seemed to drive him crazy. His hands rode the dress up, exposing your panties. The shirt came off with the dress, and now he could see the goodies you had underneath.

“Wow.” He adjusted his glasses. “Look at you.” He sat up to admire your body. “You’re perfect.”

You sensually bit your finger. “You’re wearing too many clothes now.”

He tore open his shirt, and it was a wonder how he didn’t lose any buttons. His shoes came off almost as quickly, and once again he was on top of you, kissing your lips, your neck, your collarbone. You reached down, hoping to grab his belt, but only felt his stomach. You mewled in frustration, wanting his pants to come off now.

“Ah-ah, luv. I decide the tempo of things.”

So that was how it was going to be. Fine. Let him drive you mad. You were lucky enough to be in bed with Stephen Merchant. You could tolerate a little teasing.

“First of all, we have to get rid of these.” He moved down to your boots and undid the laces. “I almost don’t want to take them off,” he confessed. “You look so sexy like this.”

He tossed the boots on the floor and kissed your feet, moved up the leg and to the thigh. Just when you thought he was going to go higher, he stood up to take off his trousers. You looked at him in the light that seeped in through the window. He was slim and his chest was pale, with a tuft of gingery blonde hair in the middle and up his navel. This wasn’t the body the mainstream media described as ideal, but to you, he was an Adonis. He was…

Only in his boxers now. You could almost make out a bulge, but it was too dark to see that area. Stephen lied down next to you, lowering the straps of your bra and kissing your neck. You responded by moving a curious hand down his back, to shimmy off his boxers. You caressed the contours of his rear and let your hand slide to the front to feel his length. To your surprise, it was thick and rather long.

“You were lying when you said you were short changed.”

You squeezed his hard member and he groaned, a sound you thought beautiful. You started flogging it gently, but soon you were pumping it, and he was enjoying this. But he quickly overpowered you and escaped your grasp, only so he could take his boxers all the way off and finish removing the bra. Your large breasts were like round fruit sliced in two, and he took them in his hands, kneading them softly.

“Fuck yes.” He brought his mouth down on the left one and sucked the nipple, getting it erect in seconds. The other one was getting hard too from plain arousal, and you moaned in his hair. You spread your legs wide open, wanting him in between already. But you wanted this to last as long as possible, and it wouldn’t have been right to jump straight into it.

“Wait, this isn’t how things work,” you said, and he suddenly looked concerned. You gave him a dirty look and got on top of him, getting closer and closer to his cock with every kiss you trailed down his chest and stomach. “I hope you enjoy this.”

You started by licking the base of the shaft up. This first touch made him twitch, and you knew the ball was in your court now. You did it again, and he moaned. Now you took the tip in your mouth and sucked it hard, waking up 4000 nerve endings. You pushed your mouth in further, swirling your tongue around his length.

“Ooah,” he moaned, and took your head in his hands. He bucked further in, and you squeezed your mouth hard around his cock. “Man alive … Ahh…”

You moved your head up and down quicker than before, completely lathering his cock in your saliva. You took its entirety in your mouth, pushing it into your throat. When you did this, he groaned louder and sat up, trying to get out of your mouth.

“Ahh! Please luv, I’m gonna cum!”

But you grabbed his taut ass and kept sucking, playing around the tip with your tongue, all the while staring up into his eyes.

“Oh God – stop – please please please stop _AH FUCK!_ ”

You finally listened to his pleas and stopped, giving him one last teasing lick on the tip. You hadn’t even started and already he looked spent. He lay back on the pillow, his dick throbbing red. He was sweating a little.

“Wowwww … You are _reeeally_ good at that. Oh Goddd…” He took a series of deep breaths. “I’m really sorry, but you’re going to have to wait a bit before we go any further, luv. Look what you’ve done to me, arrgh…”

“It’s okay, Steve. I can wait.” You kissed his cheek.

You lay there for a while, watching him breathe with his eyes closed. Finally he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at your body. He ran his hand down your waist to your hipbones, treading along the elastic band of your panties.

“These have yet to come off,” he said, that smile coming back on his face.

“Yes, maybe you should try that.”

Stephen kissed you, your neck, then made his way down, one long lick, stopping at the hem of your underpants. He pulled them down, kissing newly revealed skin with every tug. You felt a flush in your stomach when he kissed right above your sweet spot, and softly moaned his name. He finished removing your panties and took some more time to admire you.

“I can’t get over how good you look, especially now, like this. Now…” he raised an eyebrow. “Let’s see how good you taste.”

“Ah?”

Stephen parted your thighs with his big hands and put his tongue between your folds, giving you a long, torturing lick that made your spine tingle and the blood in your chest flutter. You opened your mouth and no sound came out. He was slow and soft at first, it was relaxing and exciting at the same time. You breathed in and out as he started to lick faster, sometimes pausing to suck on your clit, which made you yelp and grab his head to push him in further. He moved his hands up from your thighs to your breasts, the journey wasn’t far, his arms were very long and your body was small. By now he was lapping like crazy and you were getting closer, and closer, closer to the cusp of Venusian ecstasy, and he could tell by how much noise you were making up there. You were wet enough to drip and soak the bed sheets, and he took this as an opportunity to insert one long finger into your soft sex. You took some air in and grabbed onto his other hand, still on your breast. He rubbed in and out, not as quickly as he was licking you – it seemed to be his own formula, and you loved every bit of it. That familiar feeling had started to form in the core of your being, that warm, fuzzy glow you’d always wanted to feel in this situation. Stephen Merchant was about to give you an orgasm.

But just when you were going to squeeze his head between your thighs, the delicious feeling was gone and now he was looming over you, glasses shining in the light coming through the window.

“Sorry about that interruption there, I can see you were really enjoying that, but I want to be inside you when you cum.” You wanted this too. Fuck yeah. More than anything. “You taste delicious, by the way.”

He gave you a wet kiss and you tasted yourself on his lips.

“You taste like pussy,” you laughed when the kiss was broken.

“You don’t say!”

You giggled and gave him a small, sweet kiss on the lips. “Are you ready?”

“Almost.” He got up and picked up his trousers to get something from a pocket. You liked seeing him stand there with his cock out, harder than ever. With not much to do, you waited for him by rolling around cutely.

“What are you doing there, luv?” he was smiling.

“I don’t know! What about you?”

He finally pulled out what was unmistakably a condom. “Ah! Here we are.”

You smiled, tongue in cheek. “All this time, you were hoping to have sex with me? It doesn’t bother me at all, I was totally planning to have sex with you too.”

He took the condom out of the wrapper and slipped it on.

“Yes, I knew that early on.”

“You did?”

“Right when I met that little girl ghost in the hall, I could see a fire in her eyes. I’m usually bad at reading people’s minds, but straightaway I knew you wanted me.”

He got back on top of you, his dick just poking your belly. You swallowed. “It’s true. I’ve wanted this for a really long time. Oh God!”

That was when he’d started rubbing your clitoris with his penis. That felt good. That felt really good.

“I never thought a young, pretty thing like you would want someone like me, when you could get anyone.”

“St-Stephen…” you mumbled, and no more words would come out of your mouth. His teasing had rendered you mute, and you could say no more.

Well, almost.

“I want you inside me Stephen! I want you more than anyone! Nothing else matters, please just be with me here…”

Your eyes shut tight and he stopped rubbing, to give you the most passionate kiss of your life. It was the kiss you’d remember when you were alone, when you were cold at night, when it seemed like nothing was going right. This was the moment you’d go back to when there was nothing to look forward to. This was the kiss that would bring you joy every time you remembered it. You opened your eyes, to see he’d taken off his glasses and put them on the nightstand. You almost couldn’t believe how beautiful the color blue was.

“Well,” he said gently. “I suppose you’ve waited long enough. We both have.”

He entered you with such smooth precision that you almost didn’t know what just happened. Your mouth formed a perfect O, and you moaned hard.

“Ahh, that’s excellent, luv…” he moved back and forth rhythmically. You wrapped your legs around his lower back, a position you found brought the both of you more comfort and pleasure.

“You fit into me,” you whispered.

He kissed your neck and you dug your nails into his back, leaving pink scratch marks against white skin. He groaned each time he pushed into you and then bit his lip, an undeniably sexy sight. You tried to move with him, bucking your hips to use his body but also let him use you, and it was a little difficult because of the height issue, but it didn’t matter. You were making love to Stephen Merchant.

He pulled out and repositioned, so that he was standing on the floor and you were lying down, and he entered you again as you watched his tall figure in the moonlight. He put his glasses back on and blinked.

“Oh yes,” he said, and thrust harder than before. This position wasn’t as intimate as the first, but it was highly effective and your body responded well to it. Partly because it felt marvelous, partly because you had a good view of Steve fucking you. Your moans grew increasingly louder and you grabbed your heaving breasts.

“No, I want to see them.”

You let go and got a better idea. You concentrated on his pelvic thrust and every inch of him that was inside you, and started rubbing your clit, like you had done so many times before, only this time, he was here. The combination of outer and inner pleasure got you going, and already you could feel it was on its way. You bit the knuckles on your free hand, and shut your eyes.

“What a view,” Steve said with ragged breath. “Doesn’t get any better than this.”

“I’m so close…”

“Open your eyes, luv. I want to see you cum.”

You did as you were told, and looked straight into his eyes. Now he was leaning in closer, as the tension in you started to rise. He was inches from your face, going in, and out.

In.

Out.

Kiss.

In.

Out.

Kiss.

“ _Ah, Stephen! Oh, oh God, yes, yes, please–!!_ ”

Finally, it was too much to bear. You stopped rubbing and focused on Stephen. The muscles in your thighs tightened and there was a pulsating feeling inside you. It was like a glass of water overflowing, or a proverbial stone being dropped in the sea, created ripples. And the ripples turned to waves. And the warm waves washed you away. The tide came in and the tide went out. And all the while you were seeing Stephen’s face, but not exactly looking, because you were experiencing this powerful feeling of drowning, drowning in beautiful agony.

The lights came back on.

The lights were back on but Stephen was looking into your eyes and he saw that the pupils were dilated. He saw what he had done, and he felt proud for having done that to a woman. His thrust was slower than before, but just as hard, and this prolonged your orgasm by a few more intense seconds. When it was finally over you kissed him, palming over his sweaty back and chest, taking a bit of time to feel your energy come back.

“Roll over,” you whispered. He obeyed.

You sat yourself on top, straddling him. Your face was full of mischief as you bounced up and down, holding onto Stephen’s legs for leverage. He was so big, and you seemed so small, but you were ready to do all the work here to satisfy him. He watched himself pull in and out of your sex, and grabbed tight on your hips to help you go faster. He moaned, and leaned his head all the way back, with a look of utter pleasure on his face. He was grinding up into you, regaining dominance. But you didn’t care. All you knew what that it felt like a rocket was going off inside you. His breaths were getting shakier, and he was growing red in the face. His hands tightened around your ass as he grinded harder, and this triggered you. You were going to cum a second time.

“ _Ahhh!!_ ” you groaned, your body starting to shake. The stir was rough and agonizing, and you wanted to push past the barrier and move deep into Elysium once again. “ _Yes yes yes yes!!_ ” But just before it was about to unravel, _he_ was the one to moan. “Oh _fuck_ ,” he panted wildly and bucked faster, before stopping entirely. You somehow felt a pulse, and knew that was his cock throbbing. You groaned at the sensation, because it too gave you pleasure, feeling his orgasm. It wasn’t enough to give you another one, but it was wonderful.

Stephen released you from his grasp, and you lied down next to him, with your arm and leg draped over him. He panted a few more moments, before finally looking at you and smirking.

“Hello.”

“Hey.” You kissed him, and he moved you back on top, lying down this time. He was sweaty and hot, but it didn’t matter. It was the greatest place in the world.

“That was amazing,” he said in a higher octave.

“Beyond incredible,” you said. “I thought I was going to pass out at one point.”

“I know, I saw your face. You looked so lost. It was really sexy.” Stephen kissed you again. “How was it?”

“Amazing, what about yours?”

“Ah!” he said loudly, resting his arm over his forehead. “For such a little girl you really know what to do. I thought I was going to explode, both times. Especially the first time, you really got me started up.”

You hummed a happy sound and nuzzled into his neck. “You have no idea how happy I am to have made you feel this way. And I’m happy too. Really, very happy.”

Stephen held you in his arms and kissed you for long seconds, stroking your hair as he did.

“Do you mind if I get up for a minute? I have you get rid of the … you know.”

“What? Oh, yes, the condom.” You rolled over and allowed him to get up and disappear into the bathroom. You took that time to walk to the light switch and flick them back off. Before you put your finger on the switch, Stephen came back out, his face moist from a rinse in the washbasin. You turned around to look at him, and he walked to you slowly, with the sweetest look on his face. You smiled, not knowing what to expect. He held your hands and leaned in to kiss the knuckles. His eyes were shut.

“Thank you,” he said, warm breath against the skin of your hands. You wrapped your arms around him, standing on your toes. “Thank you for making me feel so alive, ghost girl.”

You giggled. “Is that your new nickname for me?”

“Maybe.” He picked you up like you weighed nothing, and you laughed playfully, wrapping your legs around his waist and nuzzling into his neck. He turned off the lights and carried you back to bed, putting you down gently on your back, then climbing in after you. He took off his glasses and put them on the nightstand, then looked at you, leaning on one arm. You wondered if he saw you blurry, or if you were close enough that he could make out your facial features. You were looking at him with love, so much love that you were worried he would know, and you didn’t want him to know that, not yet, not until you were sure that maybe, one day, he would love you too. But there was some endearment in his face, and affection in how he was touching you, and you knew there were at least some feelings in there. It was beautiful, and you hugged him. He held you, and it felt like he didn’t want to let you go. Neither did you.

“There was one thing I wanted to ask you,” he finally said.

“Yeah?”

“Before I came, it looked like you were about to. Did you?”

“Oh. I almost did, but you finished before I could. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, you gave me a really terrific one, remember?”

“But you didn’t finish your second one? No, that’s not right… we have to do something about that.”

“Stephen?”

He smiled a malicious grin once more, and you knew what was going to happen when he bit your lip. He rested his fingers against your inner thighs and set his tongue against your folds.

“Oh _yes!!_ ” You were still sensitive and you hadn’t even known it.

“See how much you want it?” he chuckled, and lapped at you, changing speed and force, sucking and licking all around your clit. Your nerves were screaming, and you were in the same state that you were before, just as needy, just as excited. You felt a shiver coming up your body and your nipples stiffened at the same time your clit got hard from Stephen’s persistent licking.

“ _Oh God yes STEPHEN!! Aaahhh!!_ ” Your legs were shaking, and you finally got to tighten your thighs around his head.

It happened.

The tide came back in, stronger this time, like a tsunami of pleasure, in tune with the gravitational pull of the moon called Stephen Merchant. You saw stars.

He finished with one last soft lick that made you twitch, and got on his knees, smoothly caressing your belly and legs as he watched you return from the state he put you in. He grinned with a wet mouth. “Well?” You were still recovering. Your head was spinning. “How was it?” he asked. You had no strength to speak, so all you did was groan softly.

“I’m going to guess that means it was good.” He moved back up to your face and lied down next to you. You nodded, looking into his eyes in a dreamy state. You didn’t want to speak. You just wanted to be with him, alone together, and secretly in love.

“Come here,” he opened his arms, and you shifted a little to let him hold you close. One arm went under your neck, the other over your back. “That’s my girl…” he buried his face in your neck and gave it a kiss. Your heart was beating fast, not because of the sex, but because of how you felt for him, and how much you wanted to tell him. But you couldn’t just blurt it out. So you tried your best.

“Stephen?”

“Yeah, luv?” You smiled. You loved it whenever he called you that. So sweet and English.

You looked into his blue eyes, trying to figure out what to say. No. You couldn’t. Not just yet. You kissed his lips instead. “Goodnight.”

He shut his eyes and smiled. “Goodnight.”

You lay like that for a while, hearts beating in unison. He fell asleep first, knackered from everything. It took you a little longer, you were younger and post-climax energy differed between men and women. You watched Stephen sleep, naked under cool sheets. He looked beautiful like this, reposed, at peace. You stroked his hair and watched his chest rise and fall. Now you yawned, and decided it was time to fall asleep. As slowly as you could so as to not wake him, you nestled yourself between his arm and side, resting your head on his chest. When you heard and felt his heartbeat, a warm feeling went to your stomach and you grinned. You loved it. It was the feeling of him being alive. He was alive, he existed, and you’d become one.

“I love you,” you whispered, and closed your eyes. Soon you had the familiar, but rare, delirious feeling of floating, and knew you were drifting away to the realm of dreams.

What you didn’t know was that Stephen wasn’t asleep yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger time! What's going to happen the morning after this heated night, and your secret reveal?


	4. After Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Sorry this took so long to come out)
> 
> After a brief sleep, you wake up to find that you're alone in the bedroom.

Chapter 4 - After Hours

 

When you woke up, it was still dark. You would’ve slept much longer than a few hours, but an unknown cold roused you, and you were shivering when you opened your eyes. A hand felt the other side of the bed, but there was no one there. Stephen was gone. You sat up and searched the room, finally seeing that the French doors to the balcony were open. That’s why it was so cold. You wrapped the blanket around your body and walked out. Stephen Merchant was leaning against the parapet, in nothing but his boxers.

“Stephen?”

He turned his head and looked at you. “Oh hi, I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“Kinda. Too cold for me. How come you’re not freezing?”

“Ah, English summer night, not as bad as most nights.”

You chuckled. “Ha ha, right… why are you out here?”

“Just… thinking a little. Just thinking, thinking about life in general and stuff, grown-up nonsense, you know.”

“Calling me a child?”

“Erm, no, definitely not! That would make me a pedophile now wouldn’t it?” He smiled wide and you laughed.

“Well, I guess I sort of am still a child. Then again, a long time ago I stopped believing anyone really grows up.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Stephen said. “I mean, just look down over there.”

He pointed far to the right side of the mansion and you looked. It took you a while to make it out in the dark, but after a few moments, you had it.

“Is that… oh my god, is that!—”

You had to cover your mouth from laughing. Noel Fielding and Russell Brand had fallen asleep on the air mattress, still floating in the swimming pool.

“See, that’s why I thought I woke you up, I was laughing like a maniac at that shit!” Stephen was giggling uncontrollably, and so were you, looking at each other.

“Hey, don’t Bogart that blanket, let me have some.”

“Oh, what happened to _English summer night_?” You extended the blanket so he could wrap himself in with you. The height difference made it an awkward fit, but you made it work. He held the blanket together. You could feel your naked waist against the fabric of his boxers, and felt him warmer than you were. It was a nice sensation, so you inched in closer, and put your arms around him.

“I hope my skin isn’t too icy,” you said.

“Nah, you’re fine.” He reached down and put one arm around you. “We should probably go back inside if you’re cold, though.”

You walked into the bedroom and he closed the doors as you climbed on the bed. But instead of getting under the sheets, you sat up in the middle of the mattress, on your knees. Stephen turned around and saw you, saw your fixed expression, which in your mind was one of innocence and wonder. He threw the blanket on the bed, but didn’t get on. Instead, he walked around the bed, never taking his eyes off you. Finally, he grabbed your thigh and pulled you down, making you yelp with excitement. You fell on your back with your arms spread, and soon he was above you. You thought he was going to speak, but instead he kissed you softly, holding one side of your head. He moved down to your neck.

“You really are beautiful,” he said between kisses. His lips marked your collarbone and breasts. “Before I went on the balcony, I had to stop and admire you a little. Even when you sleep you look like a Grecian statue.” He kissed down to your navel and then came back up to kiss your lips again. Stephen looked at you through his glasses, his amazing eyes to your own, seeing each other. And there was nothing but love in your eyes.

“I honestly didn’t think of anything like this happening,” he finally said.

“What do you mean?”

“Someone like you wanting to be with someone like me. Even when I was twenty it was hard to get with a twenty-year-old girl.”

You shrugged. “I’m not like most of them, I guess. But I guess you’re going to have to believe it at some point, Stephen. Yes, I’m twenty, and yes, I’m really really into you. Why do you think I wanted you to make love to me?”

He hummed and rested his head in your bosom. You held him in your arms, feeling pleased with yourself for making him feel good. Maybe he finally understood.

“I heard you speak to me when you thought I was asleep.”

You opened your eyes. “What?” You flashed back, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about, and you were confused to the point of not breathing until you finally remembered.

_I love you._

“Oh… I-I… I said…”

Stephen raised his face to you and smiled, but it was a small smile. “Shh, it’s alright. You haven’t scared me off, I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“W-well, yes, but…”

“You’re a better and far sweeter person than most,” he said, caressing your hair. “And obviously you’ve known me longer than I’ve known you, for you to love me.”

You blushed, but it was too dark for him to see that. Your heart was pounding out of your chest, and that he could feel. His smile grew a little wider, and he gently pressed his hand on you to feel. You slowly reached your hand out and did the same. It definitely wasn’t going as fast as yours, but it was beating hard. Stephen leaned in and gave you a soft kiss. Your lips parted more and more, and the passion increased in the kiss. You tensed up a little, feeling needy for him, and you sighed when he moved his lips to your neck. He only stopped to remove his glasses, and then you were the one to kiss his neck. He shivered as you removed his boxers. His skin felt soft and warm, and you traced your fingers up his hip to his arm. He was doing the same to you, lightly treading on the sensitive skin of your waist. Even though you had already known each other, it seemed like you were exploring each other’s body for the first time. His, older but unspoiled, and yours, young and indefatigable. You moved out from underneath him and lied down on him, giving him one last kiss before sitting up. He took your waist in his hands. Your body bent backward like a bow.

…

He woke up the next morning with his head on your chest and his arms wrapped around you. He let you use the shower first, and when you were both dressed, you left the mansion without saying a word to each other or anyone else who was still there. When you were past the doors, he took held your hand. You looked at him in wonder, and he smiled.

“I want you to know that I’m alright with how you feel about me. Actually, I think it’s pretty adorable.”

“Oh, well, thank you.” You grinned, but felt a little embarrassed.

“You’re beautiful, charming, sweet, a really lovely girl. No, not girl. You’re a woman, and a good one.”

You were at a loss of words. “Stephen, I…”

“I’d like to see you again after this. Would you like that?”

Your face lit up. “You mean this wasn’t a one-time thing?”

He chuckled. “No, luv. Definitely not. I really like you.”

You hugged him, savoring his words. He didn’t love you, not yet, but this was an open door to something promising. He would eventually love you, and your love would grow too. Not just what you’d fantasized as a fan, but a real feeling.

“I love you. I don’t care that you don’t, it’s still a nice thing to hear.” You smiled like a fool with your head pressed against his chest.

“Oh, it is.” He smiled, and leaned down to kiss you. When it was finally over, he held your hand again as you walked to his car. “Come have some breakfast with me.”

“Really?”

“Unless ghosts don’t eat baked beans and sausage.”

You laughed and playfully hit his arm. “Enough! I’m not dead!”

“No, darling, you’re very much alive.”

And walking hand in hand with a man you had such a great admiration for, you definitely felt more alive than you had in a long time. Life was beautiful.

 

 

When Stephen Merchant left the mansion with the young girl in the green dress, Russell rolled off the air mattress into the swimming pool. He screamed himself awake and Noel slowly woke up too, and spent his first seconds of that day laughing because his friend resembled a wet, startled owl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my first fanfiction, and I hope my little addition of comic relief at the end didn't ruin it ^_^ I might do some more work later, either on a Portal 2 fanfic or Doctor Who stuff.


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